Thursday, 6 April 2017

Tips to become an Indian Mantriji

The only good thing about democracy is that it gives people the wisdom that you can never really know a person by his appearance. Democracy turns ‘personally right’ seeming decisions into frustrating 'national errors' (that's what i call the ministers) and all you are left to do now is find the needle (good work) in the haystack (corruption and autocracy). Every passing election makes people think where it went wrong, were they too expecting? The reason why they don't allow you to disclose whom you've voted might be that you don’t die of frustration and  shame on your own selection. Democracy is a phenomenon that turns the country into a brothel and the opposition into a shameless, big eyed and foul mouthed and toothless hypocrite. Democracy depends upon the fact that people know but they don’t remember.
To make it more vivid, a man asks another, “Do you know how I can be a minister?"
The second man asks, “Where?"
"India." - replies the first one.
"That shouldn’t be hard. There are numerous ways. For instance you can team up with an old coward who fled from the battlefield and sit fasting on a public ground. There are also the harder ways of murder and rape but you know with dedication nothing is impossible. The easiest one in my opinion is to get rid of your brain so that it becomes easy for you to make fool of yourself everywhere you go with your caravan. There is another hard but interesting way - for that you've to become an actor, win hearts with your artificiality and comtunue the same after you become a minister and if you are a rich one of the kind, you can also donate 0.00001 % of your net worth to the flood victims of a state you had no idea existed before you saw it in the news. I call it a harder way because after you become one it really becomes hard to manage time between your shooting schedules and parliament sessions. You will also be needing the divine art of blaming and throwing mud other parties and the great vision of observing a hidden meaning in everything your rivals say. The foul mouth and half brainer comments are a compulsory qualification for all the above categories. You become any one of these and the parties will come and offer you a candidature for election and a monstrous marigold garland with their own hands. The winning part is even easier. All you have to do is distribute promises, fried chicken and liquor.
     The next step after your victory is creating a legacy. Now, you can do it in two ways, either do some good in your constituency or rope in your family members into politics. Always remember, no force in this universe can defeat you if your family stands with you, provided that they are ministers too or at least be gazetted officers, with a false degree of course. I am not saying this, it's Indian philosophy and written with golden words in a doctorine we dearly call Bollywood. And never fail to give the public a circus if you fail to give them bread, an advice the Romans left for their worthless successors. And thus, you become an ideal Indian minister.”

My dad once told me, " Son, this country shall be brought back to its old glory only by bachelors." At first I thought that was a joke but I realised there was a bigger philosophy behind. Married men and women tend to be more corrupt than the bachelor ministers, because you know how wives are, not to speak of their demands and shopping and the ever increasing prices, it is reasonable for them to hide away a penny or two. And the many donation hungry NGOs and bodies, a  minister even uploaded an open letter on social media once, disclosing that they ARE not corrupt but situations FORCE them to be. O my fellow Indians, you are so good at axing your own feet.


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