Thursday, 18 May 2017

Tiny Little Fears Of An Unsuitable Lover


     Of all the moments of my life, the most beautiful  are the ones I have spent with you, talking our hearts out, imagining your hand out of thin air and caressing it, asking each others dreams and calculating a trajectory in the mind where they can possible meet on time's never ending alley, planning things too ambitious for what we are now, to be precise, what 'I' am now.

     Listening to everything you have planned for us, I ponder over my limits; am I the right guy for you to do those things with, both practically and financially...

     I don't know, what's beyond that line we both talk about. Knowing your destiny beforehand, often I wonder if I shall have some worth someday, that will make me fit and eligible enough to stand by your side and hold your hand, something I can call absolutely mine, an identity that will make you feel proud of me and the list never stops, because I am too desperate to make you mine, but the only things I have been doing all this time was fading away in your blinding light, following you everywhere you go but never really there, holding you up when you called for it and feeding on your happiness only.

     I don't know if it is right or wrong, but there are moments when it feels like you are taking me for something else. Something I am pretending to be, or just a false image that time is holding before your pure and innocent eyes that they can't see through. I fear, if I shall be able to deliver to you what you need of me. That, is a terrible thing to think about, trust me.

     There are also times when I fear, if you mistook your own brilliance (that fell upon me and got reflected), to be mine and what if you fell in love with it? At other times, I fear what if this is not real? What if you are not real? What if all of this is just another dream after which I will wake up to nothingness? What if you don't actually sound like you do over the phone? What if you won't love me when you meet me in real? But you say no, everytime I approach you with my fears and you laugh them away with a promising hug that it is never going to happen, not in this universe, in this life; that I shall be the sole guardian of your purest heart and the biggest reason for your smile no wonder how great a calamity hits us.

     I have tried, tried beyond tearful sobs and an aching chest. And yet I can't let go of them. They are so obstinate, so stubborn. I have tried hard to shut them away but only to love them more and more and now it seems I can't live without them. I fail misearbly to understand this feeling, why does it happen with me?

     Countless times I have walked into the cold chambers and I have tried to strangle them to death in the dark of the night. But I withdrew evertime. Perhaps I should accept the pain, from what I have seen and felt, these fears are undetachable and are going to stay until that day you will really be mine. Inspite of all your warm and caressing love, a mixed smell of insecurity amd uncertainty always lingers, somewhere deep within my consciousness, it tickles my fears awake everytime to sob in the lonely nights, imagining the greatest of catastrophes that can befall us, because from all that I've tried, I have understood quite well that a fear can never be killed and that is the worst thing about it.

     And so I remain, existing between the profound joy of having earned your love and trust, and the depressing gloom of the fear of losing you any second. Perhaps that's my truth, perhaps that's how I am supposed to live and if I can't probably I should try to adapt to it. After all, it is all in the mind. Ain't it?

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